i'm stopping my 365 pictures project until i buy a new digicam.
i really think that a project like that has so much potential --- so i'd rather do it right.

i'm thinking... either a canon xti, an xs, or an xsi.

i need to continue my research.


i bought the instax mini 10. O_O


it'll be a while though, i paid the cheap shipping and it's coming from the UK.








so, it's done with a text saying "just because we don't talk anymore be smart."
you never were a person of many words.
but those eight words meant the world to me.
i realized, you're the voice in the back of my mind, telling me i'm fucking up.
but now, part of me doesn't care that i'm a complete mess.
the voice is muted by the pain -- by the fact that i'm obviously too much to deal with.
i'm too much of a disaster to love.
and i'm sorry.

site of the day;;
so there.

it made me want to write a letter.


i'll do that later.
i got my papers for when i do taxes.
i don't know how to do taxes O_O


hmm so here's my letter.

hey you.

you know what's funny and pathetic at the same time? i listen to paramore, and some songs make me think of you. i need you now more than ever, and i know you won't be there for me anymore. it really is OVER --- our friendship. what's weird is i don't feel sad like i have in the past. i feel angry. i'm angry that after 6 years, i would really mean that little to you. so little that you're willing to throw me away without a second glance --- turn your back on me so easily. i'm angry at myself for glancing at you in class, wishing that i could ask you for advice in my current situation, and i'm really angry at myself for wanting to hug you. you and i --- we hardly ever hugged --- but i want to hug you, terribly. i hate you for not caring, but i hate myself even more for caring too much. that has always been my problem, hasn't it? that i care too much. that i will ALWAYS care too much. as much as i'd love to say i'm this heartless bitch that you've created, when it comes to you, to these situations, i'm a weak child with a big broken heart. i don't know what to do anymore. i want you in my life, but i have to accept the fact, that you're not my friend anymore. i have to be strong.

love, joa

site of the day;;
boxdoodle.




ugh, i'm thinking too hard.
i don't want to be that girl.
i don't want to be THIS girl.

site of the day;;;


clickhere.


i thought it was neat. :)



-----------

two more days until my camera gets here.


------------


i'm honestly tired. of the people that react by ignoring me or getting upset but not talking to me about it.

so i decided to stop.
really, it's more for the people that cared, but didn't act childish --- than it is for me.
i know i shouldn't say that, but it's the truth.

i'm upset.
i'm fucking tired, actually.
of all this.


this is really, an honest to god, FUCK YOU, to the person that made me cry.

i still love him, with all my heart.
but that doesn't mean i can't be strong and be over it.

i don't even know what i'm looking forward to these next few months.

you stopped caring, but don't worry, so did i.


right now i believe... now it can only get better.

the site of the day;;

unphotographable.

"Unphotographable is a catalog of exceptional mistakes. Photos never taken that weren't meant to be forgotten. Opportunities missed. Simple failures. Occasions when I wished I'd taken the picture, or not forgotten the camera, or had been brave enough to click the shutter."

i love it, i'm genuinely hooked on reading every single one.

------------------------

staying up until 6 in the morning, in the darkness of my room, i got to thinking. i thought about these past three weeks --- winter break --- and i thought of how much i dread going back to school. i can't really figure out why, but waking up early, going to classes i hate, and seeing people that might or might not want to speak to me anymore just doesn't appeal to me. i'd much rather spend my time doing other things.

so much has changed in only three weeks of not being at van nuys high. i can't imagine how much my life will change once we've graduated. but i have the heart to let the people i love know what's changed. he obviously doesn't appreciate that. "you're fucking stupid. go tell your parents, don't tell me." so where does it go from here? are we really done being friends after 6 years? as much as i feel my heart breaking, and even if i know i'll probably cry at one point or another, life goes on. yes, i'm bummed out, but that goes away eventually. right?

and then there's...all the other shit going on. the guilt, the confusion, i don't know WHAT i feel anymore. as much as i insist, i'm not completely heartless. i'm just...weird. i don't like holding hands at all. actually, i hate it. i don't really like cuddling, at least, not with the same people i make out with. i think, i'm not there yet. my heart's not dead yet. but it's getting there.


gahhh, i need a camel crush. :/


I. NEED. TO. STOP.

but i'm not going to.
i'm trying, but i don't want to.



anyway, enough about that.


i've decided to do this thing called Project 365.

What you do is take a picture a day, for an entire year.
I'll make a new flickr account, and upload the pictures i've taken once a week.
what a better way to start the new year with a project like that?

i'll start today; a saturday.
and i'll carry a camera around EVERYWHERE.
but it won't just be digital, i'll use my instax when i get it.

:]

today, i ordered a fuji instax 200 camera.
it looks like this:

it's an instant camera, almost like a polaroid camera, but the film is cheaper.

The Instax 200 Camera includes design features such as:

* LCD control panel displaying focal distance and film count
* Programmed electronic shutter, 1/64-1/200 sec
* Automatic flash for low-light shooting
* Two-range selectable shooting options: 0.9-3m and 3m-infinity

Instax Instant Color Film includes features such as:

* Wide Picture Format (Image size – 3.90” x 2.44”)
* Sharp, Vivid, Super Fine Grain Prints
* ISO 800
* Highly Stable Emulsion (useable from 41-104 degrees F)

The Fujifilm Instax System offers an appealing alternative to previous users of Polaroid cameras utilizing Polaroid Type 600 Films.

the pictures come out like:

(both of these were found on flickr.)

i'm supposed to get it on the 15th of this month (along with two packs of film), and i can't wait to start messing with it.

ANYWHO;

when i have time, i'm going to do like, a site of the week, or day, or month, whatever.

i was messing with my stumble (i loveee firefox for that), and i found this site called 'we feel fine' that takes feelings from blogs, and such. i thought it was really interesting, so i'm making it my first site of the whenever.