i hate how weak i am.

i need you now more than ever, now that the past is repeating itself once again, after two years.
and now you're not here to tell me to toughen up.

you're not here to scare me into getting back on track.
your last words to me were "just because we're not talking...be smart."

i can't.
i've given up on all this...
what's the point really?
i'm going to die of a stroke anyway.
just like my grandpa, just like my aunt.


i can feel it in my bones.

it's been over a month since my last update. honestly, right now i just need to vent. vent about my stresses, worries, problems, and wishes. i don't understand why my life has taken a complete turn. i can't even tell if it's a turn for the worst or for the better. possibly the best thing in my life at the moment is my boyfriend. yes, boyfriend. he's the sweetest, most amazing boyfriend i could have ever hoped for. he's the only thing that keeps me sane at the moment, considering that i'm failing two of my classes, have double the maximum absences (uncleared, as well.), and i'm currently worried like crazy about whether or not i'm going to get to graduate on stage. and to be quite honest, that breaks my heart way beyond repair. i'm SCARED. i'm frightened, and i don't know what to make of it. because i want to have that memory to look back on when i'm 70. i keep telling myself that i have a chance and i'm going to appeal, but that doesn't keep me from being absolutely stressed. then there's friend problems.... drifting away... lost friends... it's too much to deal with. but i think i might just be getting my act together. finally. i can't give up... i just can't.

10 things that sum up my week.

1. lego fruit snacks.



2. vintage cereal boxes.



3. my kimchi blue wallet.



4. twitter.



5. strawberry ramune.


6. kid's umbrellas.



7. aquaphor & dermatologists.



8. greenriver.

{picture to be posted later}

9. coraline.



10. pinkberry.

so i got the mini 10 quicker than i thought i would.
now i just need to buy batteries and film.

i found a new place to blog.


http://fashionroadki11.tumblr.com/ <--- meep.

it's sort of easier, but i'll still blog here, since i go back and forth between everything anyway.

finals are almost done.
and i'm pretty sure i'm fucking up my two finals tomorrow.


i got into sfsu.
but i think i might go to community college anyway.

i'm stopping my 365 pictures project until i buy a new digicam.
i really think that a project like that has so much potential --- so i'd rather do it right.

i'm thinking... either a canon xti, an xs, or an xsi.

i need to continue my research.


i bought the instax mini 10. O_O


it'll be a while though, i paid the cheap shipping and it's coming from the UK.








so, it's done with a text saying "just because we don't talk anymore be smart."
you never were a person of many words.
but those eight words meant the world to me.
i realized, you're the voice in the back of my mind, telling me i'm fucking up.
but now, part of me doesn't care that i'm a complete mess.
the voice is muted by the pain -- by the fact that i'm obviously too much to deal with.
i'm too much of a disaster to love.
and i'm sorry.

site of the day;;
so there.

it made me want to write a letter.


i'll do that later.
i got my papers for when i do taxes.
i don't know how to do taxes O_O


hmm so here's my letter.

hey you.

you know what's funny and pathetic at the same time? i listen to paramore, and some songs make me think of you. i need you now more than ever, and i know you won't be there for me anymore. it really is OVER --- our friendship. what's weird is i don't feel sad like i have in the past. i feel angry. i'm angry that after 6 years, i would really mean that little to you. so little that you're willing to throw me away without a second glance --- turn your back on me so easily. i'm angry at myself for glancing at you in class, wishing that i could ask you for advice in my current situation, and i'm really angry at myself for wanting to hug you. you and i --- we hardly ever hugged --- but i want to hug you, terribly. i hate you for not caring, but i hate myself even more for caring too much. that has always been my problem, hasn't it? that i care too much. that i will ALWAYS care too much. as much as i'd love to say i'm this heartless bitch that you've created, when it comes to you, to these situations, i'm a weak child with a big broken heart. i don't know what to do anymore. i want you in my life, but i have to accept the fact, that you're not my friend anymore. i have to be strong.

love, joa

site of the day;;
boxdoodle.




ugh, i'm thinking too hard.
i don't want to be that girl.
i don't want to be THIS girl.